Datura Stamens and Virgin Mary Water

there are two medicines . two sufi women coming into my kitchen one evening holding a little cobalt blue glass bottle. they said "hold out your hands, we have a gift for you"

and they placed in my hands a little cobalt blue glass bottle,  that they said contained the essence of the divine love of the blessed virgin mary. they said it would help heal my heart.

one of the beautiful sufi women took the bottle from me and asked me to place my left hand on her heart as she placed her left hand on my heart and then she dropped a few drops of the blessed virgin mary water into my mouth. 

today,

felicity said to take thirteen stamen from white datura flowers. there were three blossoms on my datura plant, this is unusual, as they never bloom this time of year. there were 19 stamen all in all but i took only thirteen. felicity said that if i take the thirteen stamen and wrap them in silk and sleep with them under my pillow from this full moon to the next full moon then i will no longer be tied to  the karmic cord between stefan and I. i will no longer be trapped in the desire for him and my dream of us.

this i did today.

i asked the flowers for their permission to take their stamen. and wrapped them in a piece of worn dupioni silk, the color of a faded red rose.

tied them with white silk ribbon .  placed the bundle under my pillow , now. 

today is Aimee's birthday.i took LSD the day you were born and came to the hospital with my friend Lani and were were so high and your were so incredibly amazing, and i bet you still are.

thirty one one

another year passes and the new one arrives... flying home from Boonville on bittersweet wings of an angel's weary feathers.

i drive mountain view road home this morning with a cup of hot coffee in an old worn out mason jar listening to Gillian Welch singing  April the 14th part one, and her plaintive voice is my anthem this morning for the nostalgia of my life as i drive the winding road marveling at the misty canyons and the filtered golden light.

i cried for nearly 5 miles as the images of my mother's passing 28 years ago , to this very day,

suddenly appeared as if a phantom had taken hold of the road and projected the images of that day like a scritchy old newsreel.

i was not crying in grief but in astonishment at all the loss i have had in my life, the intricate

lace of life and change and of all the things we dream of and the people that are taken from us, or leave us, or simply we find our paths taking different turns. like a sad honkey tonk song like the cliche country lament like an old blues tune the metronome tic toc.the quiet pause after a crescendo.

i cried in astonishment at my ability to survive all this.

Love.

My heart played it like the strings of a banjo, how sweet and melancholy the notes sound,

the sad wisdom of the chord changes and the whimsy of the refrain.

Leaves blowing across the road the next turn brings me to the mountain pass and the view to the sea   Dan's vineyard , now bare.

How well i know this road, the road to boonville from the coast... this road where mark and i saw a huge golden eagle eating roadkill at a turnout as we drove to Ukiah for our wedding license, the road had froze sometime eariler and the slick spots were coated in dark red rust salt, we married january first, in the meadow above Schooner Gulch, with only a few folks to see it, Raven, married us, and Louie stood up for Mark and Lucinda stood up for me, and the dogs, Dozer and Animal, both now gone,  stood on rose petals under an arbor, Mark and Louie made from alder and willow, cut that morning from the banks of the Garcia River. Raven passed  away soon after.

   This is  the road where years later, Stefan and i fell in love listening to love song #3.. how we met in the hills for trysts on hot summer days.

the road brought butterflies and a hopefulness i had not had for many  years. and now the road brings tears and revelation.

a new wisdom arrives to my belly and i can barely stomach it though i know it is good for me.

the sages say it is good for the blood to eat bitter greens in winter.

I raise my cup to

this night sky filled with twilight

i will drink the cerulean blue

i will douse my fires with stars

kneel down to the Blessed Irony &

declare my Devotion to Benevolent

Heart of the Unknown.

january first 2009